Crying like a big baby

Last time I mention it, still screwed up over the dumping but I now understand why. When dumping someone don’t say or intimate that you don’t love the dumpee. Do anything but that.

Lie, tell them you cheated on them 5,000 times and every time was better than anything you ever did with them. Tell them you’re a government agent who is being sent on a secret mission to Mars and you’ll never be seen nor heard from ever, ever again. Tell them you have the HERP and don’t want to get them sick. Tell them you’re joining the priesthood or becoming a nun.

Tell them the truth, they are far too fat, thin, ugly, handsome, rich, poor, drunk, sober, unmotivated, motivated, tall or short…whatever.

That being said, a few posts ago I said the experience was not a learning one; it obviously was.
What I’ve learned leads me to ask if I’ve ever told a dumpee that I didn’t love them. I can’t recall all the specifics to the end of every relationship, seems I may have come close with Lady Deutschland and Lady E, but if I ever said this or intimated it…I’m sorry. Really, really sorry. I loved all of you in someway.

On the subject of relationships that have ended, in these here modern times I feel that it’s way harder to just up and forget about someone because of all the ways we have of communicating. Tweets, texts, facebook statuses, e-mails, instant messages, Youtube videos, blogs, message boards, online photo galleries and so on. Back in the day, you could just cut the faces of your ex out of group photos and erase their number off the autodial on your spiffy new non-rotary phone. If they sent you a letter, you could fire up the BBQ and burn that and anything else they may have given you. It was easy!

It’s a lot harder to burn a digital footprint. I’ve yet to remove Lady X’s e-mail address from my Yahoo account so every time we’re both logged on she pops up in the stupid instant message window as a little yellow smiley face. When I see the little smiley I immediately begin crying like a big baby. That’s not true…okay maybe I cry a little, but that’s not the point. The point is that it does get me thinking about her which is not conducive to forgetting about her.

Just fixed that…erased the Youtube movies I had of her and deleted her name from my e-mail. Here’s to moving on: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xstpe_mark-morrison-return-of-the-mack_music

SUUURRRRPPRRISSEEEE!!!

Last Thursday was Lady X’s birthday and I was pumped because I had gotten her a really kick ass gift. I had put a lot of thought and hard work into pulling it together and it had turned out even better than I expected.

Well, it turns out the gift was too good. Yes, too good. The day after giving it to her she broke my heart again. It seems that after getting the heartwarming gift she realized, yet again, that she wasn’t as vested in the relationship as me. Yet again, she told me I wasn’t the one and that she had “really tried to love me” but she just couldn’t make it happen.

This time she left little doubt that this was it, the end, the finale, the conclusion, the denouement. Her words and the fact that even as I post this she’s zooming across the Pacific Ocean to spend two weeks in Thailand with an ex-boyfriend lead me to believe that she’s probably right.

In reality I saw it coming. After 5 months of dating she never told me she loved me and she let it be know on numerous occasions that she had always pictured herself marrying rich. Add to that that her past boyfriends include doctors, lawyers, the great looking cop and politicians and her breaking up with a “great guy” like myself no longer seems like such a stretch.

The whole big bag of shit pretty much leaves me with that…shit. At 35, this isn’t a learning experience; I already know that women find good looking, successful men more attractive. It’s also not an invitation to better things, unless better things include alcoholism and Internet pornography.

Speaking of which…

For the love of lady X

Oddly, I was apparently dumped by the girlfriend I never had in the first place this evening. Yes, it’s as weird as it sounds.

So Woman X and I have been together for about the last 2 months. We’ve dated, went on a small vacation together, had a very healthy sex life and I believe seen each other exclusively. In my eyes she’s given the impression that she’s very much enjoyed what we have. She’s been in constant contact, says she worries about me if I don’t wear my bike helmet (a small sample of how she has illustrated that she cares about me) and has had unprotected sex with me numerous times. We’ve shared stories about our families, our pasts and talked about our futures. It has been much more intimate than other girls I’ve seen off and on or that I have enjoyed the friends with benefits situation with. To me, she’s given every impression of us being a couple, as a matter of fact, just the other day in front of a mutual friend I described X as a woman I was “seeing” and the friend insisted that X and I were a couple.

This evening X told me that she didn’t want us, as a couple, to be exclusive. She’s still on…fuck, I can’t remember what Internet dating service it is…but she says she has no plans to leave it but would still like to “date” me. Furthermore, she says that she’s not sure I’m the “one” and that she still needs the freedom to try to discover who the “one” might be.

I’d be cool with that if X was an inexperienced dater, but she’s no wallflower. If I was to judge by her own admissions, I’d say that she’s had a very active dating life. She’s shared stories about how she’s dated doctors, politicians and police officers and a bit about the sexual and emotional relationship she’s had with each. In my opinion, X has had a front row seat to many relationships that haven’t worked out for one reason or another.

Emotionally, I’m at a loss. I really don’t feel that I can make some grandiose Will-like statement on why this happened. Oh, plenty of theories run rampant in my head but…well, I’m just not ready yet to paint X as the bad guy. She may truly be confused or…well, whatever…

I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately, a bit depressed, a bit afraid, restless and a bit worried about just about everything under the sun.

These feelings run through every aspect of my life: low pay, no roommate, lack of money, no prospect for a relationship, blah, blah, blah. I guess it could be identified as the classic-lower-middle-class-malaise that so many single people in their late twenties and early thirties find themselves in from time to time. Still, that doesn’t make me feel any better.

A few days ago when I joked with a friend about this feeling she told me that life wasn’t a race. After thinking about it for a bit, I have to say, no it is. Although I’m no longer measuring myself against others I am measuring myself against the passage of time.

For example, next year I’ll officially be on the downside of my thirties, which puts me at approximately halfway through the average man’s life span of 72. With my military stint and my struggle though college I began saving and investing late. Now my retirement and my investments are hemorrhaging funds, finances are so tight my savings has nearly vanished and I don’t want to attempt (I stress that in this economy) to leave a job I am still using for experience for a job that pays better. Because of this, I worry this financial instability will keep me in economic limbo and the stresses that accompany it for the rest of my life.

Damn, sometimes life is a bitch.

Here is some giggity: http://www.keyetv.com/mediacenter/local.aspx?videoid=21056@keye.dayport.com&navCatId=24

Giant Balls!!!

Turned down but not off

So I got turned down again by someone I get along really well with. No problem, as I wasn’t romantically attached but that’s not the end of it because she keeps calling me and inviting me to events. I appreciate that and I always have a great time but I’m betting dollars to doughnuts that when a new guy comes along I’ll be tossed aside like yesterdays ham sandwich. Not that she’d be intentionally cruel mind you. It’s just what happens in male/female friendships, a woman in a romantic relationship with a man cannot have a male for a best friend and vice-versa. Like putting your brain into a robot body, there is just something about it that goes against the natural order.

Now, here’s where the problem arises. The more I invest in our friendship the more disappointment I’ll experience when she does find someone. Does this sound right? Should I do my best to avoid her? Should I just forget about it, have fun now and be disappointed when I’m kicked to the side?

Speaking of relationships or lack thereof, I’ve been focusing way too much on the idea lately. Maybe it’s the news of a past girlfriend’s pregnancy or the whole getting turned down thing, but I’ve been dwelling on my lack of prospects and questioning myself.

My prospects at the moment are jack and shit and jack just left town. It’s not that I’m a shut-in and am just not putting myself out there. I play one sport all year round and another a few months out of the year. I go out with friends at least once a week, work out at a gym and live in downtown Sacramento which is a hot bed of young ladies. Still, the river runs dry and I think the main reason is my age.

At 34, most of my friends and acquaintances are married or in long term relationships, the majority of my co-workers are over 40 and most of the ladies I run into while I’m out and about are under 30.

So I either need to find a married lady who likes to swing, an older lady who likes younger men or young lady who like older guys.

Today's link goodness: http://www.glumbert.com/media/honestrb