Crying like a big baby

Last time I mention it, still screwed up over the dumping but I now understand why. When dumping someone don’t say or intimate that you don’t love the dumpee. Do anything but that.

Lie, tell them you cheated on them 5,000 times and every time was better than anything you ever did with them. Tell them you’re a government agent who is being sent on a secret mission to Mars and you’ll never be seen nor heard from ever, ever again. Tell them you have the HERP and don’t want to get them sick. Tell them you’re joining the priesthood or becoming a nun.

Tell them the truth, they are far too fat, thin, ugly, handsome, rich, poor, drunk, sober, unmotivated, motivated, tall or short…whatever.

That being said, a few posts ago I said the experience was not a learning one; it obviously was.
What I’ve learned leads me to ask if I’ve ever told a dumpee that I didn’t love them. I can’t recall all the specifics to the end of every relationship, seems I may have come close with Lady Deutschland and Lady E, but if I ever said this or intimated it…I’m sorry. Really, really sorry. I loved all of you in someway.

On the subject of relationships that have ended, in these here modern times I feel that it’s way harder to just up and forget about someone because of all the ways we have of communicating. Tweets, texts, facebook statuses, e-mails, instant messages, Youtube videos, blogs, message boards, online photo galleries and so on. Back in the day, you could just cut the faces of your ex out of group photos and erase their number off the autodial on your spiffy new non-rotary phone. If they sent you a letter, you could fire up the BBQ and burn that and anything else they may have given you. It was easy!

It’s a lot harder to burn a digital footprint. I’ve yet to remove Lady X’s e-mail address from my Yahoo account so every time we’re both logged on she pops up in the stupid instant message window as a little yellow smiley face. When I see the little smiley I immediately begin crying like a big baby. That’s not true…okay maybe I cry a little, but that’s not the point. The point is that it does get me thinking about her which is not conducive to forgetting about her.

Just fixed that…erased the Youtube movies I had of her and deleted her name from my e-mail. Here’s to moving on: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xstpe_mark-morrison-return-of-the-mack_music

Being dumped sucks, but I’m sure most people already know that.

I’ve been surprised how anxious Lady X not loving me has made me. However, it’s not so much about her, it’s about me. I’m anxious about never being loved. I supposed this is a normal fear after the collapse of a relationship and is ridiculous or is it?

Anyway, I don’t want to make this blog about…Shit, just heard that an earthquake has hit Indonesia, one of the countries Lady X is visiting on her vacation. She focused on Bali which is far to the east of the where the quake actually hit, a place called Pendang. Still, I don’t know her exact itinerary. I’ve tried to contact someone else who knows her to see if they know exactly where she was headed and when.

Just heard back, the mutual friend believes she isn’t in Indonesia yet. Good.

I was going to write about the beginning of this Fall’s Ultimate Frisbee season, but that will have to wait because I just got back from my second day of playing in a week and I need to shower.

SUUURRRRPPRRISSEEEE!!!

Last Thursday was Lady X’s birthday and I was pumped because I had gotten her a really kick ass gift. I had put a lot of thought and hard work into pulling it together and it had turned out even better than I expected.

Well, it turns out the gift was too good. Yes, too good. The day after giving it to her she broke my heart again. It seems that after getting the heartwarming gift she realized, yet again, that she wasn’t as vested in the relationship as me. Yet again, she told me I wasn’t the one and that she had “really tried to love me” but she just couldn’t make it happen.

This time she left little doubt that this was it, the end, the finale, the conclusion, the denouement. Her words and the fact that even as I post this she’s zooming across the Pacific Ocean to spend two weeks in Thailand with an ex-boyfriend lead me to believe that she’s probably right.

In reality I saw it coming. After 5 months of dating she never told me she loved me and she let it be know on numerous occasions that she had always pictured herself marrying rich. Add to that that her past boyfriends include doctors, lawyers, the great looking cop and politicians and her breaking up with a “great guy” like myself no longer seems like such a stretch.

The whole big bag of shit pretty much leaves me with that…shit. At 35, this isn’t a learning experience; I already know that women find good looking, successful men more attractive. It’s also not an invitation to better things, unless better things include alcoholism and Internet pornography.

Speaking of which…

For the love of lady X

Oddly, I was apparently dumped by the girlfriend I never had in the first place this evening. Yes, it’s as weird as it sounds.

So Woman X and I have been together for about the last 2 months. We’ve dated, went on a small vacation together, had a very healthy sex life and I believe seen each other exclusively. In my eyes she’s given the impression that she’s very much enjoyed what we have. She’s been in constant contact, says she worries about me if I don’t wear my bike helmet (a small sample of how she has illustrated that she cares about me) and has had unprotected sex with me numerous times. We’ve shared stories about our families, our pasts and talked about our futures. It has been much more intimate than other girls I’ve seen off and on or that I have enjoyed the friends with benefits situation with. To me, she’s given every impression of us being a couple, as a matter of fact, just the other day in front of a mutual friend I described X as a woman I was “seeing” and the friend insisted that X and I were a couple.

This evening X told me that she didn’t want us, as a couple, to be exclusive. She’s still on…fuck, I can’t remember what Internet dating service it is…but she says she has no plans to leave it but would still like to “date” me. Furthermore, she says that she’s not sure I’m the “one” and that she still needs the freedom to try to discover who the “one” might be.

I’d be cool with that if X was an inexperienced dater, but she’s no wallflower. If I was to judge by her own admissions, I’d say that she’s had a very active dating life. She’s shared stories about how she’s dated doctors, politicians and police officers and a bit about the sexual and emotional relationship she’s had with each. In my opinion, X has had a front row seat to many relationships that haven’t worked out for one reason or another.

Emotionally, I’m at a loss. I really don’t feel that I can make some grandiose Will-like statement on why this happened. Oh, plenty of theories run rampant in my head but…well, I’m just not ready yet to paint X as the bad guy. She may truly be confused or…well, whatever…