Heavy…no, very heavy breathing…strike two.
I’m not sure if The Breather currently smokes, smoked in the past, has emphysema, one lung or perhaps no lungs but he is the loudest breather I have ever heard in my entire life. It’s so loud that I can be running on the treadmill on the other side of the room with my headphones on and I can still hear each thunderous breath. It’s really hard to quantify but try the following and it will give an idea of what I’m talking about.
Find some free pornography on the Internet or load up your own secret stash you hedonist, turn your sound down to zero and begin counting alligator style: one alligator, two alligator, three alligator, four alligator and continue as such. Now on every even “alligator” turn your speaker sound up to about 6. Also, on every twentieth “alligator” skip the porn and let out a lung clearing hack of a cough at a decibel level approximately twice as loud as the porn playing in the background. You now are experiencing a bit of The Breather. But wait, that isn’t all.
Ghost walking…strike three.
The Breather starts his work out with a walk of about 2 minutes or so. He will then ramp up the treadmill so he is running between an 8 and 9 minute mile. The problem with this is that he can’t run an 8 to 9 minute mile. To cover this oversight in his exercise routine he runs a special way…a very special way. Every 45 seconds or so The Breather will pick himself up using the safety bars on the side of the treadmill so that he is barely touching the running surface that is blazing away underneath him. While doing this he will continue to do what I call ghost running: running in the air at a slower pace than the treadmill is actually going. He’ll ghost run for about 10 seconds and then allow himself to crash back down onto the treadmill making another horrendously loud and annoying noise.
This exercise routine seems to affect The Breather for sometime afterwards. The following is no horseshit, one day he was already at the gym when I arrived. I got as far away from him as I could and did my 30 minutes of cardio. I then headed into the locker room to change my shirt before doing my strength training when what do my poor ears hear but someone in the shower hacking like they’re trying to expel their stomach. It was The Breather.
Today’s Clicker: http://www.orangebeach.ws/2008/News/2008-09-15-Hurricane_Ike_reveals_Mystery_Civil_War_Ship.html
This is so cool!!
Showing posts with label annoying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoying. Show all posts
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Breather
So a few posts ago I went off about everyone getting healthy by heading to the gym and eating less. Well, I take it back. Please eat as little as you want but I’ve realized that not everyone should be allowed in the gym. Actually some people should only be allowed to exercise in an open field several miles away from any civilization. Case in point, “The Breather” who works out at the same YMCA I do.
The Breather is a middle-aged white guy approximately 5’10” and weighing in between 210 to 230 lbs. He’s a hairy fellow (not Robin Williams hairy but hairy enough that it’s hard not to notice) whose choice of exercise attire consists of a tight black tank-top, a pair of old white trainers and black bicycle shorts.
Bicycle shorts…strike one.
No man should ever wear bicycle shorts, or really any other type of skintight outfit, out in public for any reason. What about professional bicyclists, swimmers, divers and weight lifters you’re asking. I repeat, no man should ever wear any type of skintight outfit out in public for any reason. Listen, I can swim, lift weights, sprint, dive and ride a bike in good old regular athletic shorts. When I wrestled in high school I wore a singlet but in practice I wore shorts and a shirt and I still wrestled as well…or as bad as I did in the singlet. It’s a scientific fact that Bicycle shorts and other skintight apparel are bad for men and they make those around you uncomfortable.
The Breather likes to run on the treadmill. Now, it seems to me that running on the treadmill should be the exercise that is least annoying to other gym patrons. You just turn on the machine and there you go. There should be no shouting, grunting, groaning or touching of another gym patron and the area where you might actually leave a few drops of sweat is pretty limited. Apparently, the Breather would disagree.
To be continued….
Click here: http://www.ehow.com/
How do I do that?
So a few posts ago I went off about everyone getting healthy by heading to the gym and eating less. Well, I take it back. Please eat as little as you want but I’ve realized that not everyone should be allowed in the gym. Actually some people should only be allowed to exercise in an open field several miles away from any civilization. Case in point, “The Breather” who works out at the same YMCA I do.
The Breather is a middle-aged white guy approximately 5’10” and weighing in between 210 to 230 lbs. He’s a hairy fellow (not Robin Williams hairy but hairy enough that it’s hard not to notice) whose choice of exercise attire consists of a tight black tank-top, a pair of old white trainers and black bicycle shorts.
Bicycle shorts…strike one.
No man should ever wear bicycle shorts, or really any other type of skintight outfit, out in public for any reason. What about professional bicyclists, swimmers, divers and weight lifters you’re asking. I repeat, no man should ever wear any type of skintight outfit out in public for any reason. Listen, I can swim, lift weights, sprint, dive and ride a bike in good old regular athletic shorts. When I wrestled in high school I wore a singlet but in practice I wore shorts and a shirt and I still wrestled as well…or as bad as I did in the singlet. It’s a scientific fact that Bicycle shorts and other skintight apparel are bad for men and they make those around you uncomfortable.
The Breather likes to run on the treadmill. Now, it seems to me that running on the treadmill should be the exercise that is least annoying to other gym patrons. You just turn on the machine and there you go. There should be no shouting, grunting, groaning or touching of another gym patron and the area where you might actually leave a few drops of sweat is pretty limited. Apparently, the Breather would disagree.
To be continued….
Click here: http://www.ehow.com/
How do I do that?
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