The Breather: Part Duex

Heavy…no, very heavy breathing…strike two.

I’m not sure if The Breather currently smokes, smoked in the past, has emphysema, one lung or perhaps no lungs but he is the loudest breather I have ever heard in my entire life. It’s so loud that I can be running on the treadmill on the other side of the room with my headphones on and I can still hear each thunderous breath. It’s really hard to quantify but try the following and it will give an idea of what I’m talking about.

Find some free pornography on the Internet or load up your own secret stash you hedonist, turn your sound down to zero and begin counting alligator style: one alligator, two alligator, three alligator, four alligator and continue as such. Now on every even “alligator” turn your speaker sound up to about 6. Also, on every twentieth “alligator” skip the porn and let out a lung clearing hack of a cough at a decibel level approximately twice as loud as the porn playing in the background. You now are experiencing a bit of The Breather. But wait, that isn’t all.

Ghost walking…strike three.

The Breather starts his work out with a walk of about 2 minutes or so. He will then ramp up the treadmill so he is running between an 8 and 9 minute mile. The problem with this is that he can’t run an 8 to 9 minute mile. To cover this oversight in his exercise routine he runs a special way…a very special way. Every 45 seconds or so The Breather will pick himself up using the safety bars on the side of the treadmill so that he is barely touching the running surface that is blazing away underneath him. While doing this he will continue to do what I call ghost running: running in the air at a slower pace than the treadmill is actually going. He’ll ghost run for about 10 seconds and then allow himself to crash back down onto the treadmill making another horrendously loud and annoying noise.

This exercise routine seems to affect The Breather for sometime afterwards. The following is no horseshit, one day he was already at the gym when I arrived. I got as far away from him as I could and did my 30 minutes of cardio. I then headed into the locker room to change my shirt before doing my strength training when what do my poor ears hear but someone in the shower hacking like they’re trying to expel their stomach. It was The Breather.

Today’s Clicker: http://www.orangebeach.ws/2008/News/2008-09-15-Hurricane_Ike_reveals_Mystery_Civil_War_Ship.html

This is so cool!!